In recent posts, we have been discussing how violence is connected to heavy doses of shame. We surfaced that having healthy respect for yourself and for those you influence is one way to reduce shame. Another antidote to shame is healthy self-esteem.
We have been discussing the powerful force of toxic shame and how it destructively impacts the lives of children and adults. We have learned through research that shame and violence are tightly linked. So, we can deduce as a society (and as families) that as we reduce shame, we will most probably realize a reduction in violence.
Most parents I know are trying really hard to raise their children in the best way they know how. Some parents have had a long legacy of shame in their past, and this legacy typically serves as a prime motivator which shows up in their parenting style–a parenting style that seems normal for them but which […]
We have been discussing the topic of violence and how anger can sometimes lead to aggression. We discussed the findings of James Gilligan, who has worked comprehensively with inmates who are violent. One of the profound premises that Gilligan has identified in his research is how powerful a factor shame is among violent inmates in our penal […]
In our work with students and families at Lakeside, we encounter thousands of parents who have struggled with their children and teenagers. We find that parents are usually desperate to help their child and often do not know how. So, we first identify the problem. A frequent one we see is that the child is trapped in a cycle […]
I once met a young man who seemed meek and calm; he came into my office to talk about problems with his wife. I sensed a lot of unrest in him, but he was extremely warm and polite. He then began to speak to me about physically abusing his wife, exposing the intense levels of rage within him. He also […]
In my last post we discussed toxic versus healthy shame. We also reflected on guilt and how it can either be healthy or unhealthy. We realize that a certain level of shame and guilt can be healthy if it affirms our humanity, helps us to learn our limits and affirms our values. However, as I encounter […]
In my last post we learned how shame, fear and violence are connected. We have been discussing the fact that a violent act stems from the violent individual’s significant feelings of shame. But is shame always something that causes a strong negative reaction?