In my last post, we discussed some categories of angry responses to children (with accompanying phrases) when a parent is frustrated with their behavior. We also discussed how these phrases promoted blame, shame and negative messages in our children because of the absolute and extreme nature of these types of comments.
My two male children are now in their late- and mid-20’s and on their own. I am very proud of them both and have enjoyed my whole parenting experience. It is a good time of life in our relationship. And now when it is calm, my wife and I, who recently went through the loss of our dog, […]
We have been discussing many issues surrounding the phenomenon of violence in our society. We have also been looking at the connection that shame has to violence and aggression. Most violence and aggression stems from the emotion of anger. Often, we learn about anger in how we were parented.
In recent posts, we have been discussing how violence is connected to heavy doses of shame. We surfaced that having healthy respect for yourself and for those you influence is one way to reduce shame. Another antidote to shame is healthy self-esteem.
We have been discussing the powerful force of toxic shame and how it destructively impacts the lives of children and adults. We have learned through research that shame and violence are tightly linked. So, we can deduce as a society (and as families) that as we reduce shame, we will most probably realize a reduction in violence.
Most parents I know are trying really hard to raise their children in the best way they know how. Some parents have had a long legacy of shame in their past, and this legacy typically serves as a prime motivator which shows up in their parenting style–a parenting style that seems normal for them but which […]
We have been discussing the topic of violence and how anger can sometimes lead to aggression. We discussed the findings of James Gilligan, who has worked comprehensively with inmates who are violent. One of the profound premises that Gilligan has identified in his research is how powerful a factor shame is among violent inmates in our penal […]
In our work with students and families at Lakeside, we encounter thousands of parents who have struggled with their children and teenagers. We find that parents are usually desperate to help their child and often do not know how. So, we first identify the problem. A frequent one we see is that the child is trapped in a cycle […]